I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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