I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
