I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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