This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
