Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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