my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
