I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
well you can't waste a boner
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
