I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have tasted many bathrooms
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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