I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
