I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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