Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
