dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
