I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
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