i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
