if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
They have beer where we have blood.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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