I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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