I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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