i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
