Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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