You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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