I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nicole vs. Life
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
