cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
