Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
