i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
