May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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