Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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