So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
