Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
