Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
