I faked an abortion last night.
barbara walters just said penis...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
