I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
