I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
