This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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