fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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