I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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