Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
