i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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