it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
