dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
