i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
