new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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