I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
