you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
