Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
