Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
