my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
