I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
