Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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