Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
