Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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