from now on my penis is your penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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