I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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